March 2005

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Perfect.

3/29/2005 in Ponderance | 2 comments

Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in.

—Leonard Cohen, Anthem

“I’m older than you, I know these things.” He said, with feigned wisdom and gray hairs. This was A talking. “I’ve lived these things, and I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did.”

A had been through a lot. He had lived a rollercoaster life with a firm set of rules as the perfect son, the perfect student, and had the not-so-perfect secrets. And now that he’s aged, calmed and settled down like used tea leaves in the bottom of an empty cup, he wants to believe that his life meant something to someone. He has a son now. I wonder if his son with be the perfect everything he once was.

So here he is, telling me how to live my life. As did others once told him. Where I once was in awe of him, almost afraid of him, I now look past him and out the windows, where people walked and ran by in vain efforts to lose those last 5 pounds. It was almost spring–short shorts and bathing suit season.

And I had to agree. “You’re right, A. I don’t want to make your mistakes. So let me live my life and make my own.”

He was silent. The shake in my voice entirely gone, and I realized I meant it. Every word.

And here I am, making my own mistakes. But I’ll learn.

On cars and medicine.

3/14/2005 in Ponderance | 5 comments

Needless to say, I’ve been busy. I’m nearly done with my Internal Medicine rotation, but there is seemingly no end in sight. So forgive my crabbiness. I’ll get over it. That is, until my Surgery rotation. :sad:

Listen, the strangest thing about medicine is the aura of glamour and mystery surrounding it. I suppose it just seems innate to me, being immersed in it for the last three years. But there are plenty of people who come in to be admitted to our inpatient service that haven’t a clue about their own health. This is you. This is your body. Yet you have no idea anything that is going on about it.

I’ll ask them about their past medical history, their current illnesses, and their medications. They just don’t know. COPD? CABG? What medications? How can you not know about what you’re putting into your body? Does that interest you in the least bit? It’s so frustrating to try to help people who simply won’t help themselves.

Then I realized something.

My car, the steering wheel is kinda funny. I tried asking a friend about it the other day and got nowhere. The carbo-what? Alignment? You’re suppose to rotate what? I don’t know, I don’t know. All I know is the steering wheel is kinda funny. My friend frowned at me. How can I know all these things about everyone else’s insulin regiment and yet be completely clueless about the little red Honda that takes me to work everyday?

Health to my patients is like my car to me. We just don’t have a clue. That’s why there are mechanics, and there are doctors. So us idiots can simply go about our lives in ignorant bliss. Someone else will be there to take care of the problem.

Medicine, I know. Now if only someone will take a look at my car.