May 2007

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She was seizing. Her eyes were reactive, but she was seizing. I called out for point-one-mig-per-kig. The nurses disappeared for an eternity, and all I could do was watch the monitors. 38.4. 200. 44. 98%. Put on the oxygen. Pray she didn’t choke on her own vomit.

The nurses returned with a syringe and point-one-mig-per-kig. “How fast should I give it?” The nurse was shaking. She had never done this before.

“Just push it.” I held my breath.

She stopped. Her eyes closed, and she gave a little sigh before she fell asleep.

Get some blood, check some labs. And I panicked. What had I done? I watched myself write fluid orders, calculated and recalculated. What had I done?

The next 15 minutes were agony. She had a seizure, and I didn’t know why. Was it her fluids? I watched the nurses draw tiny vials of blood, neatly labeled and sprinted off to tell all sorts of stories. I must not have calculated her fluids correctly.

Her blood work was unremarkable. It was all normal, and her fluids were fine. I cried. Her mother cried. She was sleeping comfortably for the first time that night. And her fluids were fine.

Dream.

It’s 20 minutes to midnight, and the day is ending.

I can’t sleep.

Tomorrow, I’ve got a list of things to do, oh, the adult that I am–or at least pretend to be. I feel myself slipping away. I’m been so busy, so busy, and boy, the excuses I make are astonishing for why I can’t write anymore. I don’t listen to music anymore. I certainly don’t read anymore–well, not for pleasure. It makes me wonder if I think anymore. Do I? Am I?

15 minutes to midnight.

Kurt Vonnegut died. Yes, I know it was a while ago, but I never got around to it. You know what I mean. I had always wanted to meet him. [Oh, but what to say?!] He does a writing workshop here in Iowa. Did. In another place, another time, I would have been another person. Someone who could have met Kurt Vonnegut and written a story. Here, today, I only write the facts. 4 year old with leukemia. 11 year old with colitis. I dream of telling lies.

So perhaps I should sleep.