December 2007

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17:25.

12/14/2007 in Lamenting | No comments

It was the longest minute of silence I have ever had to endure. T was dying. I was there to listen to her tiny heartbeat and declare time of death.

I’ve been caught up in a whirlwind of do-everything and save-all, and here, very appropriately, her parents were ready to let her be. So we did.

We talk a lot about “informed consent”. Helping parents make decisions based on all available information. I’m not sure if there truly is a thing. Even on this side of the fence, where I hold all the cards. I’m still not sure how they all add up in some cases, I guess.

But some decisions are best made from the heart.

14 hours.

12/3/2007 in Happenings | 1 comment

It’s amazing what can change in a couple days.

I started this month afraid. I was back in the NICU–the neonatal intensive care unit. I was trying to remember all about ventilation settings and venous nutrition and, and, and it was like trying to climb back on that bike that I don’t remember riding all too well before as it was.

We had 4 babies today. A small one, a really small one, a really really small one, and one with a mass of some sort. Sure enough, my hands found the endotracheal tubes and umbilical catheters familiar, and it was like a little dance. I looked at chest x-rays and more chest x-rays and blood gases and somehow this time, everything made sense.

I don’t want to admit it, but I kinda liked today in the NICU. It was scary. It was busy. I think forgot to go pee. But oh, those proud parents and those beautiful babies with their teeny tiny cries. I did what I needed to do and at the end of the day, S thought I did great. It’s not so bad.

In 10 hours, I’ll do it all over again.