2009

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Autumn always seems to sneak up on me. Yesterday was the first cold day. I was bold enough to renege on my coat, only to find that I desperately wanted needed it later. It was more the wind, I think. The kind that cuts through and through.

I worried about my tomatoes.

It’s odd that I should call them mine. They appeared in my yard without announcement or invitation, for that matter. That is, I didn’t plant them. They had never appeared there before. But suddenly after weeks of summer rains, I found them sprouted by the hose.

Roma, even. Strange, but tasty.

I went out to scavenge another dozen tomatoes today before a frost. My dog is suspicious. I feel obligated to water them now and even thought about how I could save them a little while longer. Put a blanket on or re-pot them indoors. More likely than not, they would not be back next year. I have no intention of making them my intention. That is, I don’t suppose I will plant purposely in the spring. I don’t know anything about tomatoes. I only know about autumn. And she’s back.

First.

I intubated my first 24 week 1 lbs premature baby today, gave surfactant, got him on a vent, and got two lines in–all under an hour. And I just remembered why I wanted to do this for yet another three years.

Guilty.

Dammit.

I’m so embarrassed. I’ve sat and watched The Lake House yet again. It was on, and I was doing laundry. I swear, it was not by choice.

That was a lie. And it was a marathon. It’s on right now as I speak, er, type. Not that it is a magnificent movie. Keanu Reeves is a fairly poor actor, adept only at appearing confused. Poor Sandra Bullock might as well be making out with a tree. And the dialogue, oh dear sweet juniper berries. The story? It’s just silly. These ill-matched lovers-to-be are separated by two-years time, without explanation, communicating only through messages left in a magical mailbox. Now that I type it out, it seems even stoopider than I remembered.

But I watched it again anyhow. (whispers) And I kinda like the movie.

I have seen many relationships broken by distance. Weekends on the road, driving with mountains of coffee. It’s a loneliness that I could never imagine. I know I’ve been lucky. But highways can be crossed. In the movie, though, they are separated by time. Who cares why. And for some, it doesn’t matter really–they are always separated by something. And usually, it’s not something physical like gravel and concrete. It’s easier when you can put your hands on it. You don’t have to think about it so hard.

But time? Perhaps it is a metaphor. It reminds me of night shifts, when I would only catch a glimpse of Steve once out of the week. And things when change when I got home–pillows shifted and dishes used. A ghost of someone who had been here, separated by time, unexplained. And every now and then, he would send me a message…via text.

The baby names are out of control. Seriously.

Names just don’t mean anything anymore. There are children named after cities and alcoholic beverages and the dreadful heaven-spelled-backwards, and there always seems to be one to many x’s or y’s. Everyone seems to be trying to hit the “unique” angle, but I don’t think anyone realizes that they’re all being unique in the exact same fashion. Unique, indeed. Just like everyone else.

All I can do is smile, nod politely, and murmur “Oh! What a unique name!” To which the parents beam proudly, as if they were the first to come up with the idea of spelling Simon with 2 z’s. Yes, apparently, it can be done. At some point, it’s almost abusive. Z’s are hard to write in cursive.

But today’s winner is Tomorrow. Honest, cross my heart. And her twin sister?

Wait for it.

Shmorrow.

http://www.babynames.com/Names/Popular/

Hungry.

If I find my way through the darkest of days,
Will I laugh about the things that kept me awake?
– Daphne Loves Derby, Cue the Sun

I’ve been so hungry lately. I know that I’ve been staying up a lot. 30 hour shifts and all. But more than being tired, I’ve been hungry. I have boxes of granola and ramen at hand. I’m always up at 3 am, and I’m always hungry. I just can’t seem to truly feed myself. Do you ever have one of those nights? Days? Weeks? Months? Years? My soul has run empty. I watch the days turn gray, and I find myself waiting. And so I eat.

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